If you are anything like me, maybe you can relate to feeling overwhelmed by a nagging feeling of not being enough.
Maybe you have a caring heart, want to help others and have given so much of yourself to try to fix all the “problems” that you witness around you.
Maybe you are frustrated that the world is not changing. That you have given so much.
And maybe you realize that you actually are not able to fix those problems and that in the trying you might actually be creating more problems.
You might feel exhausted and angry that no one is helping you. And it’s all so difficult so you want to plan an escape route from it all. And since that doesn’t feel like an option either, you begin to wonder whether you are the root of the problem.
And then you try to find the next solution by listening to more podcasts or videos about wellness, trauma, burnout, meditation or spirituality. Maybe you turn to exercise, breathing exercises, food or plant medicine to try to fix yourself.
And maybe you are thinking that if you could just start that … one more habit that someone raved about, rest more, get a tighter routine, control your thoughts, feel your emotions and manage your time just a bit more, … then maybe you will finally find a bit more relief and that sense of freedom that so many people out there are talking about.
You try something, it helps, maybe for a day and then you are back at what feels like living like a failure….
You may notice that you spend so much time INDULGING in your thoughts and emotions – and you feel like you are unable to MOVE FORWARD. You know it isn’t working, but you can’t stop…
And then because you feel so crappy, you might start to FEEL RESENTFUL towards all those people who seem to have it all together, who look beautiful, healthy and happy because of some product or solution they are advocating….
And you don’t even know whether they are real people or some aliens or AI-created illusion and you no longer know who to trust or who to believe in – and you’d rather just want to surrender to being an animalistic, self-destructive human … But that doesn’t really align with your values either.
So, you are in a double bind and swimming in toxic waters contaminated with what feels like endless amounts of shame, guilt and envy.
Do you recognize yourself in these words?
If not. Yay! I’m so happy for you! Maybe you can take a moment to celebrate, be grateful and enjoy that freedom of not being constantly consumed by the guilt and shame of not feeling like you or anything you do is enough.
But if you do recognize yourself in these words, I want you to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I feel you. I know what it is like. How debilitating it can be to constantly try so hard and to feel like all your effort and energy just disappears into nothingness, just like fine sand draining through your fingers.
When the Body Says No More
A friend of mine recently shared how she is so exhausted that she can barely get out of bed except on the days when she HAS TO GO to work. She said it was burnout.
I can relate, kind of. I have also been feeling so exhausted. Like my body is saying NO MORE! I have been fighting the temptation to fall victim to thoughts of laziness and illness (something I have learned from the Huni Kuĩ people), but seem to have taken it to an extreme.
But when we over-identify ourselves with our challenges and get attached to the ‘solutions’ we can actually spiral into quite debilitating relationships. Over-extending ourselves because we struggle with caring for ourselves, and then blaming our circumstances for our inability to hold healthy energetic boundaries or to take care of our own needs. Feeding the exhaustion and using it as an excuse to avoid something uncomfortable.
What if the medicine we need is a middle way? Not letting the laziness get us, but also not rushing around driven by all the crazy thoughts.
I am personally receiving messages saying that it is time to SLOW the way down. TO DO LESS. Most of all, I feel a need to step away from the chaotic stories that distract and keep me away from my inner knowing and from doing the creative things that nourish my spirit.
The Chaos of Too Many Solutions
We have been so conditioned to believe that the solution comes from outside. And that we are the solution to someone else’s problem. On the one hand it is true – we need each other to survive.
And maybe it is because we feel so alone, disconnected and undeserving that our mind ravenously hunts for more information, more tools, more protocols, more exercise, more supplements and more ways to be fix the world around us.
This information age offers an infinite amount of options and possibilities. And all of these probably serve and work when used consciously with the right intention at the right time.
But when we try to solve every problem with every solution all at once just because we cannot handle discomfort, we end up in a chaotic soup of contradictory stories and everything seems to cancel everything else out. There is no longer a truth to hold on to. At least not if the mind is the one to define the truth.
So, it is time to begin learning how to discern. To learn how to connect with our inner knowing.
But that can feel difficult, if not impossible when we are attached to a bunch of stories and relationships that defend these stories. And these are moments where we might need to admit that we cannot do it on our own. That we need support.
The Metamorphosis of Awakening
Part of the spiritual awakening process that happens through ego death, is about becoming aware of all the stories and narratives that have been driving us. All sorts of emotions arise. Anger, shame, blame when we recognize wrongdoing. Grief about having to let go of choices that have served us in some way. Letting go is not easy.
Yet this process of metamorphosis is essential. There is no going back when we choose to step onto the path of awakening. We can’t unsee what we have seen. We cannot change the past.
Support That Does Not Try to Fix Us
The only way forward is to lean into support as we surrender to this process.
To seek out the resources and communities that can safely hold us as we allow ourselves to break open and be vulnerable as we surrender to trusting the timing and process of the soul path.
We need support from people who are not afraid of our process, the emotions, or the thoughts and are not rushing to try to fix us. People who let us be the one in charge of our journey. Who wait to be asked instead of telling us how we should do it.
This is a big lesson I have been learning through my relationship with my Huni Kuĩ indigenous husband. In this tradition, they do not interfere in another’s process. They do not get involved in other people’s emotional stories. They do not try to be rescuing heros. They wait to be asked. They also do not hesitate to ask when they need help. They ask with no guilt or shame.
There is a lot of contrast in our cultural norms and it has not been easy. But I have learned that I HAVE TO ASK if I needs or want something. And that my emotions are for me to master, contain, process, release and transmute.
This has been a big and long process. About learning to let go of patterns of needing to cope and resolve my problems all on my own.
The energetic detox
My latest request for help was to ask my husband Rua Inu for a 3-part Huni Kuĩ healing series to help me become free of this really heavy energy that has been causing a lot of negative thinking, judgement and resistance. I sense that much of this comes from cultural conditioning and the witnessing of a lot of blaming, shaming and judgement that I absorbed in an effort to protect and help others.
This is spiritual contamination that requires tools, expertise and work at the spiritual dimension. Just like spirits asks physical beings to help them create movement in the 3D world, we humans cannot fix our spiritual issues without the help of spirit beings.
Huni Kuĩ pajés (students of the shamanic path) have strong relationships with their spirit allies and the spirits of the plants and animals of the forest. It is these spirits who are invoked in healing sessions to assist with the requested transformation. (Supportive spirits do not interfere without consent – so asking for what we want is key).
Those who have received similar healing sessions in the past have reported significant transformation. Some people have reported that their nightmares stopped…
I know my sleep has improved so much since I began studying the Huni Kuĩ tradition and receiving their healings. No more nights of lying awake for hours, spiralling in endless thoughts. Even the dramas of life and menopause hormonal fluctuations do not interfere with my sleep anymore …
I just received the first prayer yesterday. With two more to come in the next few days, I can feel the energies moving already. I feel increased motivation and determination to keep moving forward despite the confusion and hesitation that is clouding my mind when I pause to give it attention.
The energetic detox is underway….
Curious to know more about the Huni Kuĩ healing prayers?
>>> Read about Huni Kuĩ Healing sessions here
Seeking a safe space to be held?
If you are longing for a safe space where you can be witnessed and supported as you navigate through your spiritual awakening, I’ve created an online community space called Siriani’s Sanctuary, that exists precisely for this purpose.